Change

Friday morning everything was wonderful. It was my 11th wedding anniversary, I was feeling good about starting the Women's 4 Miler Training Program on Saturday, and it's probably clear from the post I made that morning that things seemed to be going my way. I was trying to work through some things in my head, but I was happy and hopeful. It's funny how quickly things can change.

Friday night it became clear that I handle things differently than J and C. It became clear that I couldn't expect predictability and that C thinks that predictability is an undesirable trait. By Sunday J told me that he just wants to be friends. Yesterday was pretty bad. I'm not able to just turn things off and I found myself reeling with the fact that everything was different, that he seemed to be able to just turn it off, and I'm just not wired that way. It seems that the 'new and shiny' wore off, and once it was gone the drudgery of thinking everything through reared its head. I spent Saturday thinking it would work out and I wrote an email that I shared with both of them sharing what I'd been thinking about. I feel so foolish about that now. How could I have been so blind?

That's what I struggle with. I turn it on myself, I blame myself for not realizing that I'm not edgy enough, that I'm too mundane and work-a-day, that I would cramp the style of someone young and spontaneous. I water my garden every morning. My life is fairly predictable and I like it that way. I don't want to drink and party and wonder what new and exciting thing is around the corner. Maybe I should tell people that up front? "I'm plain-jane and I like it that way!"?

What's really amazing is the way my husband has handled all of this. Steadfast, never judgmental, never lashing out at me for my sadness or my distraction; I realize that his actions are the very definition of love to me. He's putting my needs before his own because I need him to do that right now, and he can have faith that I'll do the same for him when he needs it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm over 40, maybe it's just the way I'm wired, but I like my seemingly dull, predictable life. I don't see it as dull because I enjoy the little things, the beautiful star-lit sky above our farm at night, the succulent burst of flavor when I bite into a warm cherry tomato right off the vine, the deep, rich purple of a fresh pole bean, the shades of lavender that adorn the blooms of my butterfly bushes. I'm living the life that I want to live, and that life doesn't mesh with the life that they live. I don't trust the 'mystery', I don't want the constant question marks, I've realized that my idea of being in a loving relationship with someone includes a degree of predictability that requires forethought and consideration about the full impact of one's actions, and therein lies the problem.

I still love him, but I realize that I'm not someone he can have a romantic relationship with. I'm adjusting to the situation, recognizing when feelings that were desirable 48 hours ago are rising and releasing them to the Universe, trying to adjust my corny, sentimental side to disassociate a couple of songs from my hope for the relationship, as well as the 'ding' of Google's message notification, and I really miss seeing [~]. Knowing that isn't true anymore makes my heart ache. I'm trying to remember that it's not bad to love the way I do. I'm feeling pretty naive for reawakening all of those hopes without being certain that everyone's actions matched their words, that everyone was on the same page, but is it possible to sort that out ahead of time? What I've learned is that I need to be more cautious, I need to be more pragmatic, instead of letting my heart define everything. How dull and boring is that? :)

Again I'm left feeling like I won't do this again but maybe that's how it always feels when something ends. Two and a half years after the end of two relationships in a very short time I find myself thinking about the high price tag on getting my hopes up and wondering if it's worth it. I don't want to become one of those jaded, cynical people who defines love with a checklist, but right now I can't imagine trusting something as nebulous as love again. Seems like I've heard those words somewhere before... oh, I remember, I said them! I hear people on the forum say they'll never try again and it makes me sad, I want to reassure them that love is wonderful and that it happens when you least expect it, but I wonder how I can give that advice when I can't believe it for myself? I guess it remains to be seen.