What is love?

I find myself contemplating this question lately, or more to the point, what does it mean to love someone? Forgive me if this post isn't very well organized, I'm sharing in a stream-0f-consciousness manner.

To begin with, I find myself in awe of my husband. Not only is he even-tempered, he's wonderfully supportive and understanding. When I'm having a bad day he's always there, consistent and steadfast, and I realize that I haven't properly appreciated him. When my fears are hanging over me like a dark cloud and the 800 miles between my love and I seem insurmountable, my husband is there with his arms out. I didn't realize how deeply my insecurities and baggage were entrenched. My husband hasn't had outside relationships but he's always there, the voice of reason, talking me down when I work myself into a frenzy of fear, reminding me of the honorable way to treat those I love. I'm realizing how sensitive I am to any kind of dishonesty and that makes me hard to deal with, which isn't an issue with my husband because we've been together for 13 years (married for 11 today, as a matter of fact!).

Early on my love's wife and I had a long, difficult chat about integrity and her fear that I'm judgmental, and I realized that I probably am. Judgment is part of being human and turning it off is silly and irresponsible, but I don't want to be rigid and unforgiving, so I've given a lot of thought to my handling of integrity and how to share my feelings when I feel that someone is acting without it. I feel that it's dishonest not to share that I'm feeling that way, but I'm trying to be more gentle and understanding in the way I communicate such things.

Is it fair of me to expect my love to get everything right? To expect him to understand the degree of transparency I need, the amount of reassurance I need? I find myself thinking about these things, because we've run into a couple of occasions when I felt blind-sided and I'm extra sensitive to that. In my mind, working through my fears around such things is part of loving him, going to the effort to process my knee-jerk reaction before acting on it, but is it fair of me to expect him to do the same? I'm realizing how much damage is still there, hidden for a couple of years but not healed. I'm realizing that I love in a selfless way that isn't the norm and I have to be careful with my expectations. I don't want to be one of those annoying people who tries to change their loved ones, but where is the line between asking for compromise and asking too much? I don't know, but I'm really trying to remain Zen about the fact that we're learning to compromise for each other and moving toward the center of the way that we handle things, as opposed to me expecting him to change drastically while I hold up my way of loving as the desired norm.

If I didn't think the way I love was the right way for me, I would change how I do it, and I need to remember that I believe that diversity is a good thing and we don't all need to move toward a singular "right way" to do things. I've thought so much about the difference between a need and a desire/want and that contemplation is paying off, even if it's causing some lengthy, heart-wrenching discussions between my love and I. I'm realizing that my husband moved leaps and bounds to my way of thinking about such things and I'm truly appreciating the man he is and the way that he loves me. Looking back on previous times I realize that I've gotten caught up on one issue and neglected to recognize the other wonderful traits my husband possesses. So he doesn't share my appetite for intimacy, when we are together it's wonderful and he's the most giving lover I've ever been with and I'm enjoying him so much, finally seeing the warm, loving, nurturing man he is instead of focusing on the one aspect where we didn't quite mesh. He's so logical and I'm so emotional, but we've found a way to make that work, to balance each other, and recognizing that makes me so happy to be me!

Add to that a new love, and my life is pretty wonderful these days. The glass is half full and I'm really trying to remember that working through my fears and insecurities is forward progress, even when it scares me terribly. Yesterday my love said that he wondered if we'd jumped in too quickly and my heart clenched, because I know that it's entirely possible, but then he asked me what he should have done differently. Ignore the feelings? Set a time limit on sharing them, i.e., "I won't tell her for a month!". We talked for hours that disappeared in a vortex of heightened emotion and fear of loss, leaving us both emotionally drained, but feeling good about where things stand between us. The 808 miles between us felt like a wide, gaping chasm in the depth of my need to be comforted and reassured, but he reminded me that the glass is half full, and I know that he's right.

My husband and I sat down with a calendar and figured out that I won't be able to visit my love in mid-July, we'll have to wait until early August, and that made me really sad. Mid-July was far away as it was and realizing that I'd have to wait three more weeks left me in a funk that wasn't easy to climb out of. In the end I chose to let it go; why waste energy on things that can't be changed? Instead I'll focus on being grateful that my sweet, generous husband gives me the gift of having love outside of my marriage.

Which reminds me, my husband has been talking about possibly dating! The conversations we've had around it left me smiling and happy with the way we communicate, even about things that aren't easy and comfortable. He hasn't dated since he met me 13 years ago, so he's understandably apprehensive about the possibility, but I'm really happy that he's opening up and letting others see how warm and wonderful his heart is. I've always thought that anyone who got close to him would be lucky to be there and I hope that he's able to find new friends at the least, and possibly new love. I won't lie, the idea scares me a bit, but mostly because I don't want anyone to hurt him. I didn't realize how protective I am of him until we talked about possible scenarios where he dated or spent time away with others the way that I have in the past. Every time one of my relationships ends he's left picking up the pieces and I sincerely hope that I can be as loving and supportive should he ever need the same from me.