Finding Balance

My previous post was about rejection and fears, and I'm really happy that I posted it because the comment my love's wife left was exactly what I needed! She and I have chatted and talked on the phone since then and I feel immensely better. I think that she and I both want to be friends and I really like her, so whenever that fear flares up I'm able to recognize it for what it is and think about our conversations. I appreciate her willingness to be open with me and talk to me about things that aren't always easy to share.

I find myself thinking about the fact that my love is a private person and doesn't post publicly, even when he's the topic of discussion. I'm conflicted, to be honest. I understand that he's a private person and it's not that he's ignoring what I'm feeling or posting, because he reads my posts and then we talk about them, but there's a part of me that wants him to say something. Even as I type that I cringe because I don't like it when people try to change the people in their lives, so I try to recognize what I'm feeling and remember that he's always there for me and he never ignores the things that I say or post. That said, I'm really, really happy his wife doesn't have the same issue; reading her comment the morning after my post was nothing short of wonderful!

This weekend was an interesting exercise in learning to be a good secondary. My husband left Friday morning and was away until Sunday evening, which he does four or five times a year, and usually when he's gone I spend the extra time doing things like writing or goofing around online. Friday night my love told me that we'd have a phone date and he asked his wife and she said it was alright, but then he called me and told me that plans may have changed because he might be going to a get-together with his wife. My reaction was less than graceful. It was an occasion when I recognized that feelings were welling up within me and I got quiet because I was trying to sort them out and track down why they were happening. I wanted to be all zen and understanding, but a part of me was upset that we had made plans and they might not be honored.

Even as I was thinking about that feeling I knew that it wasn't a willful act, something came up at the last minute, but thinking about how I would handle that situation I knew that I would have honored my plans because I would have wanted the time with my love. That led me to realize that the root of my upset was insecurity, which is almost always the case. I was uneasy because I really wanted to spend time with him and I didn't feel like he wanted to spend time with me as badly, at which point I was able to take a deep breath and recognize that I was assigning motives. This will probably sound strange, but it makes me happy when I'm able to sort out what's really going on and why, even if the overall experience of having the reaction that I sorted out wasn't very pleasant. My love is so wonderful and understanding. I talked it through with him and it felt so good to be able to process all of that without him feeling attacked or judged! He understandably got defensive a couple of times, but I recognized it and clarified what I was saying and we ended up having a wonderful discussion. I think he sees me as a bit Pollyanna sometimes, but he also knows that I don't think being a bit Pollyanna is a bad thing.

In the end we spent a lot of time together this weekend and it was wonderful. It felt like we spent time with each other's families too because I was dealing with my two sons and he was dealing with his four kids while we were on the phone and I ended up feeling even closer to him because I think he's a good father. I didn't realize how important that was to me until my almost-20-year-old son said, "Looks like you've found yourself a family man.", after seeing a couple of pictures that my love had sent me. Speaking of my oldest son, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have his acceptance instead of his scorn! I don't flaunt my poly nature or inflict it on my children, but I don't hide it either, so my son knew there were other people in my life all along. In high school he decided to throw a fit one day and tell me that I'm an adulterer and that what I was doing was wrong, even after discussing it with my husband as well. That hurt my feelings, but I understood where he was coming from. He asked me who I was talking to Friday night and I told him and he smiled and asked me about him! They'd had a short exchange through me about TV shows when Dustin quoted a show and I didn't recognize the quote, but my love heard him over the phone and knew where it came from. My son told me that he'd ragged on me about being poly because he knew it was a way to get to me, but that he's really OK with me doing whatever I want because he knows I love his dad. I can't tell you how happy that made me!

Overall it was a wonderful weekend *happy sigh* It looks like my son is moving back in with us, which is a mixed blessing, but it's really nice to have someone in the house who gets my sense of humor. I feel closer than ever to my love and I really appreciate his willingness to spend so much time with me and squeeze in all of the time he can. I try to be very mindful of his time and not be greedy, but I know that I was a bit greedy this weekend and he was wonderful about it. I really appreciate his wife's willingness to get to know me and her generosity with his time as well. Doing this again is definitely scary sometimes, but so far it's completely worth it!