It seems like the last couple of weeks have been a time of realizations and epiphanies. It began with the realization that there was a hole in my life where my other relationship(s) had been... not just a space where those individuals no longer were, but a hole in my world, a deficit of some kind. I had no idea that would happen, having not been without a lover in five or six years, and I wandered around feeling bereft and slightly befuddled until I realized that I was missing all of the things the additional relationship gave me. I've always disliked people saying, "I'm poly to meet a need my significant other doesn't.", it seems disrespectful and not very loving, but being married to a man who is a wonderful lifemate but not very affectionate in general leaves me in that situation. I don't like it, I tried to deny it, but in the end the reality is that I really miss the affection, whether online, on the phone, or in person, that my lovers gave me. Typing that feels as if I'm saying my husband is inadequate and my fear that he'll perceive it that way has made it very hard to discuss with him, so I've been practicing compassionate listening and saying what I mean clearly, because he just isn't wired the same way I am when it comes to affection.
I've heard mention of love languages, and although I haven't read the book they're referring to, it makes sense. My love language is very tactile, where my husband's is more based in service (going to work, helping with the kids, doing dishes, etc.). I wouldn't give up the things he does to show that he loves me for anything, but I've learned that I'm much happier if I have a source of affection to fill that need. That sounds so mechanical... I mean, it's not like any warm body will do! I'm very selective, so much so that I find myself wondering if I'll be living monogamously indefinitely, and then a friend from the past reappears on the scene and reminds me that there are others who speak the same love language that I do. I'm not sure what gave me the push that I needed to realize the things I've realized lately, but it doesn't really matter. The Universe is speaking, and I'm listening.
I've also realized that I fill any quiet time I might have with other people. I realized that I don't want to be alone with my thoughts and that surprised me, because I'm frequently accused of thinking too much. Today's realization was that I seem to need approval and validation from outside because I don't love myself enough, which came about when I suddenly had an attitude adjustment regarding taking care of myself. Realizing that you're burying yourself in fat because you're self-sabotaging is not a happy place to be, but reality bites.
I still believe that polyamory can work. I still believe that I am, at heart, polyamorous, but I find myself wondering what it looks like for me, why I desire it, and what I could possibly offer anyone who got involved with me. I think those are all important questions and I feel like I'm growing and evolving through exploring them, which is never a bad thing.
The 4 Miler Training Program is going great, I'm getting up at 5:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays and walking before my husband leaves for work. I have to say that I NEVER thought I would do such a thing, but it feels wonderful and I'm committed to loving myself to take care of my body as well as my heart.
I've heard mention of love languages, and although I haven't read the book they're referring to, it makes sense. My love language is very tactile, where my husband's is more based in service (going to work, helping with the kids, doing dishes, etc.). I wouldn't give up the things he does to show that he loves me for anything, but I've learned that I'm much happier if I have a source of affection to fill that need. That sounds so mechanical... I mean, it's not like any warm body will do! I'm very selective, so much so that I find myself wondering if I'll be living monogamously indefinitely, and then a friend from the past reappears on the scene and reminds me that there are others who speak the same love language that I do. I'm not sure what gave me the push that I needed to realize the things I've realized lately, but it doesn't really matter. The Universe is speaking, and I'm listening.
I've also realized that I fill any quiet time I might have with other people. I realized that I don't want to be alone with my thoughts and that surprised me, because I'm frequently accused of thinking too much. Today's realization was that I seem to need approval and validation from outside because I don't love myself enough, which came about when I suddenly had an attitude adjustment regarding taking care of myself. Realizing that you're burying yourself in fat because you're self-sabotaging is not a happy place to be, but reality bites.
I still believe that polyamory can work. I still believe that I am, at heart, polyamorous, but I find myself wondering what it looks like for me, why I desire it, and what I could possibly offer anyone who got involved with me. I think those are all important questions and I feel like I'm growing and evolving through exploring them, which is never a bad thing.
The 4 Miler Training Program is going great, I'm getting up at 5:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays and walking before my husband leaves for work. I have to say that I NEVER thought I would do such a thing, but it feels wonderful and I'm committed to loving myself to take care of my body as well as my heart.
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