Speaking of NRE...

A lot has happened this month! My son graduated high school (after scaring me to death that he wasn't going to do so), my family visited for the occasion (which is always stressful), my husband's car overheated (and he fixed it himself!), my credit cards and ID were lost (my mother actually sent them through the US Postal Service *sigh*), I fell off the weight loss wagon (to the point of dragging behind it), and I've been unable to focus at work so haven't accomplished much while there. Oh, and I fell in love *giggle*

About a month ago I had a conversation with someone I've known for quite a while that was both exhilarating and terrifying because I realized that I was talking to someone I very much wanted to get to know better. It wasn't the usual, "Oh, she seems nice, I'd like to know more about her." It was more along the lines of, "Dear gods, is she real? I want to know everything about her!"... and it scared me. I'm not easily scared. I'm not someone who shies away from a challenge, but she touched something deep within me that no other woman has every come close to, and it scared the crap out of me.

Looking back, I realize that there was a lot happening in my life and it kind of snuck up on me. She and I have talked a couple of times before, but never on the level that we did that day. I knew that she was poly and bi, and I knew that she was very open and honest, which is a rare and wonderful trait in my opinion, but I also knew that she was friends with my lover's OSO... the one who's mercurial and secretive, so I shied away from getting to know my new lady friend because I wasn't sure that I could be diplomatic when discussing my feelings regarding the way she treats my lover. Even as I type that I realize that there was more to it than that... I recognized that she was much like me and I shied away from getting to know her because I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want her to defend her friend to me and I didn't want to get close because even then I realized on some level that she was very different from anyone else I'd met. I thought of her over the few months between our first real conversation and the one we had a month ago, I thought of the fact that it was silly for me to pass up connecting with someone because of my fears and doubts. How could I know what would happen, what she really felt, if I never gave her the chance to tell me?

The past couple of months have been so stressful and disorienting that I don't even remember what started that magical conversation, but I remember the feelings I had when it ended... hope, surprise, desire, longing, and an almost abject terror. You see, I've always known that I was bisexual, but I've never met a woman I connected with. As a matter of fact, I've only even touched one other woman (other than youthful playful explorations that didn't count) and even as it happened I knew that she wasn't someone I truly connected with, she was simply someone I desired on some level. Even on the two occasions I touched her I knew that it wasn't going to be anything more than playful petting, because I felt no connection to her. I left that magical conversation flushed and breathless, gut wrenching as I realized that I truly wanted to know this woman... that there was a connection there.

I have to say that I'm eternally grateful that she pursued me. I wonder if I would have been brave enough to pursue her, so caught up in parenting issues and family issues that I couldn't focus on anything enough to actually do it competently, let alone explore new feelings that were as terrifying as they were exciting. Even sitting here now typing this my gut wrenches at the thought of her, but not out of fear of rejection, but at the thought of what would have happened if she hadn't stepped forward and taken me by the hand and pulled me along. I take great pride in knowing myself and acting with integrity, but in all honesty I was a coward about her and didn't deal directly with what I was feeling for her, instead staying wrapped up in everything else that was going on. Every day that we talked I grew more scared and more attached, every time that we chatted I pointedly ignored the butterflies. I wasn't rejecting her, gods no, I was overwhelmed with what was happening in my day-to-day life. But no matter how busy I was, no matter how scattered, she was there, sweet and funny, supportive and warm, and with a sudden jolt of alacrity I realized that I was attached to her.

That was a bizarre day indeed. My husband was a bit bewildered by my lack of clarity, since I'm normally very much in touch with my feelings. My lover was surprised because he knew that we'd talked months earlier and why I'd shied away from her then, but he was supportive and happy for me. My dear friend Dale, who is a wonderful poly friend of mine, chuckled at my behavior, commenting on how unlike me it was even as he was his usual supportive and insightful self and helped me to see clearly what was really going on... I was running scared. Me... Mrs. Open and Honest, Walk Your Talk, Live With Integrity, running scared at the realization that something that I have always fantasized about was actually happening... I'd found a woman I connected with.

It took me a few days to work through and recognize what was happening. I have trust issues with females. It's probably because of my relationship with my mother, although my relationship with my grandmother was wonderful (she passed away when I was only 16), but I find it difficult to trust females. Actually, I'm not that trusting of most people, but I realize that I distrust the motives of females much more than those of males, and I've had very few female friends in my adult life. I never really thought that I'd meet someone who could love me, let alone that I could love in return, because I pretty much expect rejection of one type or another from women. While I realize that's not a good thing, I didn't realize how deeply ingrained it was until I was faced with someone who told me that she was struggling not to say the L word. I was thinking the same thing. I was logging onto my computer looking for her, wanting to connect with her at every opportunity, and I realized that while I was playing silly buggers with myself about my feelings for her she'd snuck right into my heart.

At this point we've expressed our love to each other. She's thousands of miles away, which isn't ideal, but I can't imagine letting that stop me from exploring what we have together. Luckily I've done the LDR thing long enough that I understand the pros and cons and know that what really makes or breaks a long distance relationship is one's perspective. Pining for what one doesn't have dishonors the relationship, in my experience.

And so, a new chapter is opened! My husband's depression has lifted and we're getting our communication back in order, my lover's life has taken a sudden wonderful turn and we're doing quite well, and a beautiful woman has entered my life. This is one of those times when I want to be sure to pause, close my eyes, and just enjoy being me *happy sigh*