When NRE Fades

NRE (New Relationship Energy) is something that's talked about a fair bit on the forums of Polyamorous Percolations, and for good reason. It can be blinding, disorienting, frightening, exhilarating, exciting, and just about everything in between. I think it's also the reason a lot of relationships end, because at the point that it fades it can seem like what's faded is the love that you feel for someone.

Due to our first argument, my lover and I found ourselves feeling out of sorts and distant. Being an LDR (Long Distance Relationship), it's more challenging to move through such times because there's no face-to-face time, there's no actual touching and snuggling when one or the other is feeling insecure or hurt, so it takes a greater leap of faith to believe that the words the other person says are genuine. Our relationship began with full disclosure, with a pact that we would be completely honest with each other, and that we would share our fears and insecurities as soon as they were known to us. When I made that agreement I knew that that was the type of relationship that I wanted and needed, and for the most part it was the type of relationship my husband and I had by default, other than during the years of his depression.

I found myself feeling scared and unsure, undesirable and shaken, and I realized that the failed relationships that preceded this one had damaged my self esteem even more deeply than I thought they had (which I wouldn't have thought was possible!). I was out of sorts and disconnected and believe it or not, it was my husband's unflagging support and willingness to be an unbiased sounding board for my fears that helped me to see that I wasn't being honest as I'd promised. Last night I talked to my lover for hours, our usual Friday phone date happening a day early because he's going to an rpg convention for the weekend. My husband will be there too, and this will be the first time they've met. I think it's good that I'm not there; I know my lover is happy that they'll meet doing something that they share that isn't me. Hopefully it goes well, I don't imagine I'll hear from either of them until Sunday when the con is over.

Today I've thought a lot about the fact my relationship with my lover is moving from the fiery, NRE stage to the more steady, attachment stage, and I've taken a deep breath and happily accepted that my love hasn't faded at all. We've had another slight disagreement that we worked through much more smoothly, and it gave me great hope that we really can do what we both agreed to do... share an open, honest love that isn't based in illusions and expectations of psychic abilities.