If there's a theme in my world, it's integrity. I could write volumes about what it is to me, what my interpretation of the word is, give lengthy examples of what it is and isn't... but the bottom line is, when honesty comes into question I can't see how integrity can remain intact.
Recently I've been dealing with the fact that my husband, whom I dearly love and am fully committed to, doesn't communicate with me the way I want him to. I hesitated to type 'want' in that sentence, because it feels much more like a 'need'. I need to feel like part of his process, like I truly know what's going on in his thought process around me and our relationship. I know it's because I don't want to be blind-sided. I don't want anything flying out of left field that I didn't even know was in the ball park. When he and I have an argument I share my process with him, I tell him my fears and my hopes, my thoughts as I process them, and I used to believe that he wanted that from me and wanted to offer me the same thing.
My recent realization is that I'm not so sure about that. It seems like he holds back from me, like he filters what he says because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings or ask for my help... I think that he feels that he should process things before sharing them with me. Trouble is, that makes me feel insecure about sharing my process with him, and I end up pretty off-kilter and unsure of how to proceed. I've realized that that's just the way I'm wired, I need to feel like we're connected deeply enough that we can share our deepest fears.
There are, in my life, five men who say that they love me. There's my husband, my lover, my lover of 17 years, and two online friends who are very dear to me. Within the last couple of weeks things with my lover of 17 years have been nothing short of rocky. Truth is, they've been that way for a little over a year. We haven't been intimate since last fall and I don't know if we ever will be again, but that doesn't mean that I don't still love him and care about him and feel that he's part of my life. He and I are having terrible communication problems and I'm beginning to wonder if the problem is me. I truly don't think it is, I honestly believe that I'm in a state of integrity with myself concerning him and our relationship, but our conversations go in circles despite my best efforts and it's just disheartening.
Then a week or so ago I found out that one of my online friends had lied to me about something. It was something pretty insignificant, but I felt as if he'd kept something from me and had directly lied to me about it some months ago. We talked about it and I was clear about my feelings, he was clear about his reasons, and it blew over. Then a conflict arose for him about which he consulted me and I discovered that there was another puzzle piece that hadn't been offered, and we haven't had a chance to discuss it yet. We've been friends for well over a year, I know that he's fully aware of my feelings regarding integrity and deception, but yet again something slipped out that made me feel like he's not honest with me. He and I have had the same conversation about processing, about opening up and sharing what's going on and trusting someone else to be able to hear it and offer support, and I find myself thinking that what has happened is that in not doing that, he's lost track of what he's been honest with me about and what he hasn't. It hurts. I know that it's magnified by what's been happening with my lover of 17 years, but I also feel that it's something I've been crystal clear about all along.
So why is this post titled honesty? Because I wonder how I can be more clear about the fact that it is something that I must have to feel loved. I have to be able to trust that I will not be blind-sided. I have to be sure of my place in someone's life, and I have to feel that they care enough about what's important to me to be honest with me. I find myself thinking about the fact that in order to be honest with me, they have to be pretty self-aware and honest with themselves, so it's possible that a failure to be honest isn't based in a lack of love for me, but in a lack of self-awareness on their part, or a lack of faith in their own worthiness of love. My mind is reeling at the implications.
I don't know how to be more clear, and at this point I'm not sure it has much to do with me. It's been my experience that people who are truly honest and self-aware are few and far between. As a matter of fact, it's been my experience that the whole concept is foreign to a heck of a lot of people, which makes me pretty sad. I don't want to be rash or callous, I don't want to write people off for not having figured out what I need from them or not being able to give it to me, but there's no way around the fact that it hurts deeply when I'm blind-sided. At this point I'm pretty much at a loss, though. Once trust is broken... what then? Yes, I know, I've blogged about that already... and I'm still waiting for someone to teach me the magic words that make it return. And while you're at it, could you enclose the incantation that restores faith in people? *sigh*
Being poly is a beautiful part of my life, but there's no way around the fact that with each person I open my heart to in any way, I open myself to not only the positive, but the negative. I open myself to being hurt in ways that exacerbate my low self-esteem and poor body image by a magnitude of however many people are involved, and at times like this, I want to just pull in around myself, hold my husband and lover close, and not let anyone else near my inner sanctum (and I'm NOT making a sexual reference here, just to be clear). I've always said that I refuse to become jaded, but right now I can see it on the horizon and it's looking less and less like a self-imposed fortress and more and more like a safe haven.
Recently I've been dealing with the fact that my husband, whom I dearly love and am fully committed to, doesn't communicate with me the way I want him to. I hesitated to type 'want' in that sentence, because it feels much more like a 'need'. I need to feel like part of his process, like I truly know what's going on in his thought process around me and our relationship. I know it's because I don't want to be blind-sided. I don't want anything flying out of left field that I didn't even know was in the ball park. When he and I have an argument I share my process with him, I tell him my fears and my hopes, my thoughts as I process them, and I used to believe that he wanted that from me and wanted to offer me the same thing.
My recent realization is that I'm not so sure about that. It seems like he holds back from me, like he filters what he says because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings or ask for my help... I think that he feels that he should process things before sharing them with me. Trouble is, that makes me feel insecure about sharing my process with him, and I end up pretty off-kilter and unsure of how to proceed. I've realized that that's just the way I'm wired, I need to feel like we're connected deeply enough that we can share our deepest fears.
There are, in my life, five men who say that they love me. There's my husband, my lover, my lover of 17 years, and two online friends who are very dear to me. Within the last couple of weeks things with my lover of 17 years have been nothing short of rocky. Truth is, they've been that way for a little over a year. We haven't been intimate since last fall and I don't know if we ever will be again, but that doesn't mean that I don't still love him and care about him and feel that he's part of my life. He and I are having terrible communication problems and I'm beginning to wonder if the problem is me. I truly don't think it is, I honestly believe that I'm in a state of integrity with myself concerning him and our relationship, but our conversations go in circles despite my best efforts and it's just disheartening.
Then a week or so ago I found out that one of my online friends had lied to me about something. It was something pretty insignificant, but I felt as if he'd kept something from me and had directly lied to me about it some months ago. We talked about it and I was clear about my feelings, he was clear about his reasons, and it blew over. Then a conflict arose for him about which he consulted me and I discovered that there was another puzzle piece that hadn't been offered, and we haven't had a chance to discuss it yet. We've been friends for well over a year, I know that he's fully aware of my feelings regarding integrity and deception, but yet again something slipped out that made me feel like he's not honest with me. He and I have had the same conversation about processing, about opening up and sharing what's going on and trusting someone else to be able to hear it and offer support, and I find myself thinking that what has happened is that in not doing that, he's lost track of what he's been honest with me about and what he hasn't. It hurts. I know that it's magnified by what's been happening with my lover of 17 years, but I also feel that it's something I've been crystal clear about all along.
So why is this post titled honesty? Because I wonder how I can be more clear about the fact that it is something that I must have to feel loved. I have to be able to trust that I will not be blind-sided. I have to be sure of my place in someone's life, and I have to feel that they care enough about what's important to me to be honest with me. I find myself thinking about the fact that in order to be honest with me, they have to be pretty self-aware and honest with themselves, so it's possible that a failure to be honest isn't based in a lack of love for me, but in a lack of self-awareness on their part, or a lack of faith in their own worthiness of love. My mind is reeling at the implications.
I don't know how to be more clear, and at this point I'm not sure it has much to do with me. It's been my experience that people who are truly honest and self-aware are few and far between. As a matter of fact, it's been my experience that the whole concept is foreign to a heck of a lot of people, which makes me pretty sad. I don't want to be rash or callous, I don't want to write people off for not having figured out what I need from them or not being able to give it to me, but there's no way around the fact that it hurts deeply when I'm blind-sided. At this point I'm pretty much at a loss, though. Once trust is broken... what then? Yes, I know, I've blogged about that already... and I'm still waiting for someone to teach me the magic words that make it return. And while you're at it, could you enclose the incantation that restores faith in people? *sigh*
Being poly is a beautiful part of my life, but there's no way around the fact that with each person I open my heart to in any way, I open myself to not only the positive, but the negative. I open myself to being hurt in ways that exacerbate my low self-esteem and poor body image by a magnitude of however many people are involved, and at times like this, I want to just pull in around myself, hold my husband and lover close, and not let anyone else near my inner sanctum (and I'm NOT making a sexual reference here, just to be clear). I've always said that I refuse to become jaded, but right now I can see it on the horizon and it's looking less and less like a self-imposed fortress and more and more like a safe haven.
No comments:
Post a Comment