Dealing with Fear

Wow, NRE sure can jack up emotions! I want to buy into the mystery, ignore the things that scare me, the things I'm unsure of, but in my opinion that's a sure way to get blind-sided. I find myself wondering what's to come, where I fit, and I'm in a position I'm not really familiar with. In the past my relationships haven't been at the mercy of anyone except my husband, and I know and trust him. I really enjoyed my phone conversations with my love's wife, but something happened Monday night that left me unsure of her. She and I chatted briefly early in the evening and everything seemed fine, but later that night she popped onto chat and we ended up having an hours-long chat about ethics and honesty. As it was happening I was just trying to be truthful, but I haven't heard a word from her since and I'm left feeling like something I really care about is at the mercy of someone who barely knows me. In the past I've always said that I wouldn't get involved with anyone without knowing the whole picture, without knowing that everyone was on board, but in the moment I realize that it isn't really possible to do that in this situation because of the miles between us. That scares me so much!

Nothing like going from NRE to morbid fear! A long talk with my love certainly helped, but his wife remains a wildcard. Anyone who follows my blog knows how wildcards have turned out in the past. When I'm talking to him I feel hopeful and safe, even though I know that safety is an illusion, but sometimes when I'm alone and I'm not distracted by anything else, the fear wells up. The fear of getting my hopes up, of making a long trip and discovering that the chemistry is real, but our relationship can't be makes me cringe even as I type it. When those fears well up I try to recognize them for what they are, take a deep zen breath, and stop wasting energy worrying about something I can't change. I sent her an email after our chat and I've heard nothing back, and I won't push.

I put myself in her shoes and I wonder if I would be the same way, if I would be able to open my mind to someone in my husband's life the way that I burst into her husband's life, and I try to be compassionate. I try to set my fears aside and choose not to waste energy on things that aren't in my control. All I can do is hope that things work out because I'm not willing to keep nagging her, no matter how much I hate the silent treatment and the uncertainty. I'm also not willing to put him in the middle in any way because that is surely a recipe for disaster. That is not a loving act and I won't indulge my insecurities that way.

Add to that the fact that a lady I like very much wants me to visit her again, but the behavior of her boyfriend broke my trust in him pretty completely, and I find myself wondering if the Universe is conspiring against me just basking in NRE for a while. Good thing I'm not the melodramatic sort! :)