Finding Peace, an Ending

Today I saw my recent ex-lover for the first time in four months. It's been three months since we broke up but we hadn't seen each other face-to-face since it happened. For all of my talk about self-awareness and being honest with myself, I've been struggling with this ending. I've been struggling on many levels, and even as I recognized that I hadn't made my peace and found closure, I couldn't 'see' what needed to happen for me to clear that path.

I think it happened today. Today he stopped on his way to spend the weekend with the woman he lied to me about to drop off the box of things we'd put together for our trysts. I use that word somewhat tongue-in-cheek, although we spent most of the time that we met in a hotel room because he had roommates and I had a teen-aged son who loved to sling the word adulterous around at every opportunity. Inside are mundane things like dishes, mugs, silverware... and comfort things like a big, soft piece of fleece, shampoo, conditioner... and last is a shoebox full of things that I'll most likely throw away without even looking at them. I didn't realize how much having that box meant to me. I bought most of what's in it, even though on one occasion he said he'd be purchasing the dishes and things and when we got to the checkout I ended up having to cover it. It's not the things themselves that matter, it's the knowledge that that box won't sit in a corner, discarded and forgotten.

I didn't realize how deeply my feelings of being discarded ran until I looked him in the eye and told him. He got upset, but I've cried the tears I'm going to cry over him. I felt little for him, outside of normal human compassion, and I think I needed that reassurance. I needed to know that his touch wouldn't awaken anything, that his presence wouldn't affect me, and now that I know that I feel somehow unburdened. My sadness is peripheral, the sadness I feel at lost hopes, but no longer the crippling self-recrimination of feeling like a human blowup doll. I've been there before... in love with someone who wanted the physical pleasures he could find with me, the connection he could find with me regarding his kinks, someone who was unable to return my love. Right now I can see clearly where my insecurities lie, what they've whispered in my ear as I've grieved and hurt, and I can see the way forward.

I feel as if I can breathe again, as if I can crawl out from beneath the shadow of my doubts about my worthiness of love, and I can truly honor the wonderful things that I have in my life. Through all of this I've discovered two friends who are so wonderful and sincere, supportive and loving, and I've rediscovered just how deep my husband's love for me runs. It's difficult to sort out where my fears for my relationship with my lady love intersect with my doubts about my desirability, especially in light of being so easily replaced and forgotten, but today a barrier was removed and I think I can find my way back to being whole.

Geez, that sounds so melodramatic! But it's how I feel, and maybe that's a clue that I need to be more cautious about diving into love so deeply. Regardless, it feels wonderful to look forward and feel hopeful again. When my friend recently went through discovering that the woman he was married to wasn't the person he thought she was, I told him that the leap of faith that is required in order to genuinely love someone can blind us to the possibility that their intentions aren't honorable and I hoped that he could make peace with what had happened so that he'd be able to take that leap again. When I spoke those words I had no idea that he'd be repeating them back to me in a matter of weeks. I'm so thankful for him, for his beloved, and for the wonderful people at Poly Percs who make me feel like a part of something bigger than myself. I'm thankful for my lady love, who understands that my heart is wounded and slow to heal, and loves me even as I vacillate between logic and emotion. I don't have words for how I feel about my beloved husband, so steadfast and supportive even as he wonders why I open my heart up to such injuries. I have so much to be thankful for!

Thanksgiving came a few months late for me this year. Ironic, really, because it was the day before Thanksgiving that my ex called me, all excited, and told me that he was going to go against everything that he had told me over the previous months. Better late than never!