I find myself in an awkward position (big surprise! *giggle*). In November of last year someone I care for very much lied to me for the third time. I have definite issues about truth and lies, having a mother who has trouble discerning reality from the imaginary world in which she's never wrong. I know the pain and havoc that lies can wreak, lies of any size, so I simply don't tolerate them. I expect my loves to understand that about me, I'm very open and honest about what I consider to be lying, and part of being in my life is operating within those boundaries.
Today he and I communicated a bit by email, and I realized that the connection between us is tenuous at best. He's had a lot of turmoil in his life over the last year and I've done what I could to be supportive, but he didn't turn to me for comfort or support. Of course that's his prerogative, he's certainly not required to do so, but a side effect of his not doing so is that I've felt forgotten. Maybe it's because he isn't the type to turn outward for support, maybe it's the mental state he's been in due to the turmoil in his life, but he went weeks without contacting me and that hurt me more deeply than I realized. Sporadically I contacted him, torn between wanting to know what was going on and not wanting to be a bother, but I realize now that that damaged my trust in him.
More precisely, it damaged my trust in my place in his life.
I spent my hour-long commute thinking it over, turning it over in my mind and wondering what really happened, what the fundamental issues were, and I realized that part of my problem with my new love's OSO (other significant other) is that she makes my position in his life uncertain, because the situation with her is uncertain. I'm glad to have had that realization, but it doesn't help me to sort out what to do about my friend.
Trouble is, I don't think that I can give back trust. I don't think that I'm wired to offer that much faith to someone who's already lied to me a second and third time about the exact same thing, disregarding the fact that I'd clearly stated how much it hurt me and what I needed in the future after the first time. In some ways it feels like a short-coming on my part, that I can't open that part of myself up again once it's closed, but I know that I'm very clear about my feelings regarding truth and lies with anyone I befriend, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was perfectly clear after the second time it happened because I was plainly blunt, which I usually am not. Usually my nurturing nature cushions my words, but after the second deception it was necessary to be crystal clear, and so I was.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is... but it helps to write it all out. At this point I know that I will be forever guarded with my friend, and I'm thankful to have sorted out a piece of my unease about my new love's OSO.
Today he and I communicated a bit by email, and I realized that the connection between us is tenuous at best. He's had a lot of turmoil in his life over the last year and I've done what I could to be supportive, but he didn't turn to me for comfort or support. Of course that's his prerogative, he's certainly not required to do so, but a side effect of his not doing so is that I've felt forgotten. Maybe it's because he isn't the type to turn outward for support, maybe it's the mental state he's been in due to the turmoil in his life, but he went weeks without contacting me and that hurt me more deeply than I realized. Sporadically I contacted him, torn between wanting to know what was going on and not wanting to be a bother, but I realize now that that damaged my trust in him.
More precisely, it damaged my trust in my place in his life.
I spent my hour-long commute thinking it over, turning it over in my mind and wondering what really happened, what the fundamental issues were, and I realized that part of my problem with my new love's OSO (other significant other) is that she makes my position in his life uncertain, because the situation with her is uncertain. I'm glad to have had that realization, but it doesn't help me to sort out what to do about my friend.
Trouble is, I don't think that I can give back trust. I don't think that I'm wired to offer that much faith to someone who's already lied to me a second and third time about the exact same thing, disregarding the fact that I'd clearly stated how much it hurt me and what I needed in the future after the first time. In some ways it feels like a short-coming on my part, that I can't open that part of myself up again once it's closed, but I know that I'm very clear about my feelings regarding truth and lies with anyone I befriend, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was perfectly clear after the second time it happened because I was plainly blunt, which I usually am not. Usually my nurturing nature cushions my words, but after the second deception it was necessary to be crystal clear, and so I was.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is... but it helps to write it all out. At this point I know that I will be forever guarded with my friend, and I'm thankful to have sorted out a piece of my unease about my new love's OSO.
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