At times during this journey I find myself pondering the concept of one person being 'enough' for another. When the conversation between my beloved husband and I turns to the topic of poly, he tells me that he can't help but feel that he isn't 'enough'. At that moment I want to stop. I want to give up all else and gather him close and tell him that he is 'enough' for me, that if it makes him happy I will stop opening my heart to others and be with him alone. I've offered and he's declined. I wonder why, when that statement slips from his lips and I look into those beautiful mahogany eyes and see sadness.
Am I simply selfish? Doing something that feels right to me without consideration for his feelings? I do NOTHING without consideration for his feelings. I love him deeply. I want him to be happy and know that he's loved, no matter what the outside world throws at us. I share my genuine feelings with him, I speak from my heart and show him the man that I see when I look at him, wondering why that isn't what he sees when he looks in the mirror.
On the poly forum I frequent there was a discussion of whether being poly was a choice or hard-wired, similar to the age-old debate over being homosexual. I believe that it's hard-wired. BEING polyamorous is hard-wired, ACTING on it is a choice. I know that I can live monogamously because I've done it for long stretches during my life, including the first years of my time with my husband. As a matter of fact, it was his idea that I resume a physical relationship with my lover, a man who attended our wedding and remained a close friend, understanding that my husband was monogamous. That first visit felt very strange... walking out to the car and kissing him goodbye after he told me to 'have a good time'. It was surreal!
I hadn't heard the word polyamorous at that point, although I'd been in a relationship with a married man for six years when I met my husband. It started out as cheating and evolved into love, his wife knowing and tolerating it, although she wasn't exactly accepting. I didn't like the way that made me feel, I didn't like the way his family treated me if we were together around town, and I knew that it wasn't right to do something that everyone involved wasn't on board with. Why it happened is a long story and I won't offer detail without first obtaining his permission, although I doubt he'll give it. Anyway... back to the point.
Now we're here. I have a lover who lives four hours away. I see him once a month, although we communicate online most days and by phone at least once a week. My husband struggles with the fact that my lover gets my time and affection without doing any of the work, he just has to say nice things to me online and treat me well once a month. I, of course, think there's more to it than that, but I can see his point. I want the two of them to meet. I think that a known quantity is much easier to deal with than the fantasy man that my husband has built up in his mind, but my husband worries that if he lets my lover into our lives and he hurts me, it will be because my husband didn't protect me. Silly male logic if you ask me, but that's where we are.
So, is the reason my lover is in my life that my husband isn't 'enough'? I answer with a resounding no. He's in my life because I can love more than one person at a time and my husband gives me the gift of doing so physically, not just mentally. I love my husband as much, if not more, because he doesn't ask me to stifle a part of myself. I've made mistakes along the way that have shaken his trust in me, that have made him question my judgment of people, but we always seem to find our way through together and stronger than ever. My relationship with my lover is much different than my relationship with my husband. Not better or worse, deeper or more shallow, just... different. My fondest wish is that they meet, I think they could be good friends. Sometimes I fantasize about him being a bigger part of our lives, part of a support system that we've never had, but maybe that's what scares my husband off from meeting him...
Hmm... it strikes me that this entry wanders quite a bit. Oh well, such is the mind of a middle-aged, bisexual, polyamorous, Pagan Switch!
Am I simply selfish? Doing something that feels right to me without consideration for his feelings? I do NOTHING without consideration for his feelings. I love him deeply. I want him to be happy and know that he's loved, no matter what the outside world throws at us. I share my genuine feelings with him, I speak from my heart and show him the man that I see when I look at him, wondering why that isn't what he sees when he looks in the mirror.
On the poly forum I frequent there was a discussion of whether being poly was a choice or hard-wired, similar to the age-old debate over being homosexual. I believe that it's hard-wired. BEING polyamorous is hard-wired, ACTING on it is a choice. I know that I can live monogamously because I've done it for long stretches during my life, including the first years of my time with my husband. As a matter of fact, it was his idea that I resume a physical relationship with my lover, a man who attended our wedding and remained a close friend, understanding that my husband was monogamous. That first visit felt very strange... walking out to the car and kissing him goodbye after he told me to 'have a good time'. It was surreal!
I hadn't heard the word polyamorous at that point, although I'd been in a relationship with a married man for six years when I met my husband. It started out as cheating and evolved into love, his wife knowing and tolerating it, although she wasn't exactly accepting. I didn't like the way that made me feel, I didn't like the way his family treated me if we were together around town, and I knew that it wasn't right to do something that everyone involved wasn't on board with. Why it happened is a long story and I won't offer detail without first obtaining his permission, although I doubt he'll give it. Anyway... back to the point.
Now we're here. I have a lover who lives four hours away. I see him once a month, although we communicate online most days and by phone at least once a week. My husband struggles with the fact that my lover gets my time and affection without doing any of the work, he just has to say nice things to me online and treat me well once a month. I, of course, think there's more to it than that, but I can see his point. I want the two of them to meet. I think that a known quantity is much easier to deal with than the fantasy man that my husband has built up in his mind, but my husband worries that if he lets my lover into our lives and he hurts me, it will be because my husband didn't protect me. Silly male logic if you ask me, but that's where we are.
So, is the reason my lover is in my life that my husband isn't 'enough'? I answer with a resounding no. He's in my life because I can love more than one person at a time and my husband gives me the gift of doing so physically, not just mentally. I love my husband as much, if not more, because he doesn't ask me to stifle a part of myself. I've made mistakes along the way that have shaken his trust in me, that have made him question my judgment of people, but we always seem to find our way through together and stronger than ever. My relationship with my lover is much different than my relationship with my husband. Not better or worse, deeper or more shallow, just... different. My fondest wish is that they meet, I think they could be good friends. Sometimes I fantasize about him being a bigger part of our lives, part of a support system that we've never had, but maybe that's what scares my husband off from meeting him...
Hmm... it strikes me that this entry wanders quite a bit. Oh well, such is the mind of a middle-aged, bisexual, polyamorous, Pagan Switch!
Powered by ScribeFire.
No comments:
Post a Comment