Changes

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. A month ago I was in such a different place... happily married, an angsty but overall happy 18 year old son, a rambuctuous but wonderful 7 year old son, a male lover I'd celebrated a year with in August, and a female love I'd connected with in June, although she was thousands of miles away on a different coast. Looking at that list I realize that I'm still blessed, my life is still more full and joyous than many (if not most!) of the people I know, but there have been a couple of notable changes.

I'm still very happily married. As time passes my husband's depression becomes a more distant memory and I feel safer in my conviction that he won't fall back into that pit of despair. He's such a wonderful, caring man. After eleven years I'm still very much in love with him and my desire for him is as comfortable and vibrant as it's ever been. He is the foundation of my world, but not in a creepy dysfunctional way. When things are difficult I know that he's there for me, steadfast and predictable, his beautiful soul shining through.

My 18 year old son is gone. That sounds more dramatic than it is, he's still in the area and so far he still has his cell phone (which we're paying for), but the day before Thanksgiving he told me that I'm not his mother, he doesn't love me, and I may never see him again. That hurt, but I realize that he's 18 and I was pretty independent and hot-headed at that age, so I'm trying to remain calm and leave the door open for him, without letting him mistreat me. That line isn't easy to draw, especially considering that his biological father was intelligent and full of promise, just as my son is, until he graduated high school and discovered drugs. He attended my son's graduation open house and I was shocked. He looks twenty years older than he is and I wouldn't have recognized him. He didn't amount to anything, having to borrow his mother's car to even get to the graduation party from Michigan. It terrifies me that my son could go down that same road, but I'm trying to have faith that he's smarter than that. At this point he doesn't hear anything I say, he twists my words even as I say them, so I'm trying to be neutral and let him find his way, even if it makes my heart ache to have him openly hostile toward me.

My 7 year old is doing well. We've had another diagnosis of 'it's closest to Asperger's Syndrome', so that makes two of them, along with one diagnosis of 'some variety of Tourette's Syndrome'. He's doing well in school, but this year he's realized that not everyone likes him and he recognizes teasing, so it's been rough on him. I'm really thankful to have him right now, still loving and affectionate even as my oldest treats me like a leper.

My male lover and I are no longer together. Anyone who follows this blog knows that I hold honesty above all else and I'm very clear about that in my relationships, so breaking my trust by lying is a dealbreaker. He didn't lie outright on purpose, but we had numerous conversations about a woman I'm mentioned previously in which he made assurances that he broke on Thanksgiving. To say that it hurt is to drastically understate the situation, but I don't see a way for us to continue as lovers. I still care for him, he still holds a place in my heart, but I can't, in good conscience, be physically intimate with someone I don't trust implicitly. I realize that's not common, but it's the way I am, and anyone who enters into a relationship with me is fully aware of that fact right from the start. It's still fresh and there are so many little things that remind me, but I've worked through some of the pain and loss and am trying to find my way to maintaining a friendship. I feel betrayed and am having a hard time bouncing back, but I know that I'll get there, especially with the steadfast support of my wonderful husband and my lady love.

Speaking of my lady love, I just returned from a week-long visit to her home. It was our first meeting and I flew across the country to meet her and her husband, unfortunately still raw and emotional from my break up with my lover, which was only days old. I'd like to say that didn't affect anything, but that's not true. Because I was raw and emotional I didn't react the way I normally would have when her husband behaved in ways that bothered or concerned me, so there was a day of struggling with what to do with my feelings and concerns that wouldn't have happened otherwise, but in the end we worked through it. I'm still concerned that he's just saying that he's OK with things to make her happy, but I realize that this situation is new to me and I'm trying to have an open mind and stay positive. My time with her was wonderful! Knowing for certain that there's chemistry between us, that there's a connection, is an incredible feeling, even as a little part of me is terrified to open my heart again after having it mistreated so recently.

So, there's the update. In a couple of months I'll be 40 years old and if I've learned anything in that time, it's that change is ever-present and unpredictable, so appreciate what you have while you have it. I hope everyone is doing well!